---
title: The Hill I Will Gladly Die On
description: My, Now, Lifelong War
taxonomies:
  tags:
    - personal
date: "2025-06-25"
draft: false
extra:
  read_time: true
  repo_view: true
---

I am more exhausted right now in this moment, than at any time I can remember. Why? Well we'll try to get to the bottom of that here. Maybe this is a bad time to try and elaborate, but it seems like time is a bit of the essence here, and maybe the rawness is appropriate, all things considered. I don't plan on spending much time editing or revising, at least on first pass, so apologies in advance for any grammatical or spelling errors that will undoubtably ensue, but time is the most critical factor now, so it can't be helped.

As I sit here, I have not eaten for 3 days, I have been living as a monk (i.e. volentarily celibate) for near 4 months or so, I've recently discovered my familiar origins after an unexpected pilgrimage, and I'm at what is (hopefully) the end of a long stint of being deprived of my children by a mentally deranged (yes, diagnosed) individual, who has been intent on using my children as meer pawns to keep me stuck, for nearly my entire adult life, which amounts to about 15 years, and who has been absolutely losing their shit, far as I can tell, after having finally built up the extreme discipline necessary to effectively defy them, for the first time.

Unless you know me real well though, none of you know this about me. Partially because after the shitshow that I've dealt with, I have a very difficult time trusting anyone, and also because I am absolutely positive than normal folks who have not spent a significant portion of their existence dealing with a mentally ill individual in close proximity just could never understand.

Being also a man, and some target of contention already, and trying to even combat against the type of folks who are so willing and eager to use their "struggles" in life as a weapon, I didn't see it as wise to try and weaponize my own experience in this way; nor morally correct, for what that is worth to anybody nowadays (seems mostly nothing, afaict).

But I digress, wtf am I talking about? Well at a high level, perhaps the easiest way to sum things up is that I've wasted a good chunk of my life (basically all of it) trying to do right for the absolute wrong person. I have always been the type to blame myself, even though whenever I try to share my experience, the typical response is that I need to "own up" to my mistakes. And absolutely, there have been a lot of them. But the point here is that my tendency to self blame is actually been one of the most effective mechanisms by which I have been, so long now, trapped: partially by the psychotic will of another, and partially by my own sense of duty and delusional hope for change.

But again, unless you have dealt with the mentally ill, particularly the malicious and delusionally mentally ill, you can't fathom the depths a person like that will go to hide from themselves and feign legitimacy at your expense. It has also proven dangerous, and tangibly so, to try and seek "help" in this situation.

Truly I probably developed, for some time, a mental illness of my own just dealing with it. Trying every path over and over, with seemingly no way out; I always seem resigned to trying to "make it work", only to play directly into the malicious hand of what can only be described as a psychopath hell bent on doing evil to me to alleviate themself, while pushing me to the limit and making me look like the crazy one.

And absolutely, this situation has driven me insane, more than once. And that's the point. For those of you who might be familiar with the concept of "reactive abuse", you may know a little bit about this dynamic. Being an extreme intellect and having a keen, perhaps even autistic impulse to "get to the bottom" of this situation, I've struggled, though, to find any analogue in my own experience or that of others, at least to this extent.

As far as I can tell, this situation is damn near architypal at this point. As in, a true battle of good and evil. Given our current moral landscape (or lack thereof), perhaps you may then be able to forgive me for not expressing myself sooner. Indeed, it is unlikely even that I would have been able. Another dastardly effective tool in the tool box all these years has been unending confusion and chaos that always leave one feeling in their heart that something is horrendously wrong, while never being able to fully articulate it. Indeed it has taken all these long years, long runs, extents in the gym and now even monk like chastity and an extended fast to even attempt it.

Most people want to think that the truth typically lies somewhere in the middle, but in the case where you have someone who obsessively tries to find the truth, and another individual who compulsively and seemingly manically tries to hide it, that isn't really the case, and that typical assessment has provably, by now, played against my favor time and again.

Whatever you might think I should have done, whatever you may think I did wrong, I have probably done it all by now, and yet it truly has felt as though there is no escape. For those of a biblical persuation, it is the "unbreakable" spiritual bond of marriage, perhaps, but even without that, just understanding that a willingness, even eagerness, to weaponize children against a "big scary man", leaves little room for hope, or even meaningful progress, at least in all my experience so far. Yet I've come to a point now where I will simply not accept this state of affairs any longer. I would rather be dead: truly, than to allow this to go on.

And before you start thinking that this is my peragative, or that I'm fishing for sympathy, let me dispel that right now. I don't give a shit if you feel sorry for me, or go ahead and blame me or even burn me at the stake. Go right ahead. This isn't for me. This is a plea for my children.

My children who have never been allowed to know normal in their life, but for a brief time when their mother was incarcerated. Children whose education has been hindered and at this point completely halted, for the sake of a delusional take on reality that must be defended by a paranoid skitzophrenic at all costs using isolation and control to an extreme degree.

Truly I don't even blame my "wife", who I have paid to divorce a full two times now, yet still paradoxically remain married, as much as I blame the system that is claimed to be there "for the best interest" of the children, but which unendingly reglects both data, and basic logic. Was it a stupid choice to stay so long? Prabably. But then again, she did also threaten me directly that I'd never see my kids again if I went through with it, more times than I can even count at this point, and followed through plenty to, as now, and right at the end of each divorce too (both times, letting it fester and money waste). It's this kind of deliberate insane maliciously psychotic demeanor that has come to be my normal; for better or worse

Perhaps I should have gone through with it, but also looking at the statistics of divorce, and just the general and quite apparent nature of our time, and the dynamics of family law in blue states in particular, it seems I've been imprisoned cleverly by a state that I have long since desired to leave, now more than ever, but which has kept me on account of its unwillingness to allow me the simple and supposedly "protected" freedom of parental authority. Indeed if my one true desire is to leave this place forever, divorce, without custody, wouldn't even accomplish that anyway.

Perhaps it is only human; as it truly seems that there is no such thing as sympathy or understanding for men; we (men) don't withold our feelings out of some misguided misunderstand, but by the very nature of society itself, which is eager and willing to utterly crush any male weakness expressed, and at the first sign. And so it is I do not seek sympathy, but that I merely seek to ellicit sympathy from the reader for my children.

I can't prove to any of this. I can only tell you from my experience that I am, especially at this point, the epitome of stability, even almost to a fault. Even as I am deprived of any residence, I still pay for, and in a way I suppose, directly fund the rebellion against my parentage. I pay for a house and car that I cannot possess, while I sit here in a hall about to close, not even sure yet where I will go, but don't worry I always figure it out, and that's the point. I've wondered many times if continuing to "pay up" in this manner is the right call, but any attempt to "withold" resources in the past for the sake of applying pressure and hopefully getting access to my children has only backfired and been endlessly framed as "abuse", so here we are. It just never ceases to be almost humourously, if painfully, ironic to me that I essentially fund my own prison.

You see, to at least try help you understand, it is my insecurities and also even my strengths which have been weaponized against me all these years. My need to make my marriage work, my pain from a previous situation where I'd had a child revoked from me as a teenager. My desire to be upright and faithful, even to a person who had no qualms of not returning the favor and even blaming me for it. My need to "prove", mostly to myself (as it was hopeless to show the world), that I am not the problem, that I am the only one even upholding the home and trying to uphold (futily so) some justice in it.

Absolutely I looked for a way out, each and every time, the whole time. But without fail or exception, the path was blocked and deliberately so, by an individual that I've never, even to this day, experienced having any limit or qualms with deception, violence, manipulation, threats, social triage and even lawfare.

I've even had to part ways with people in my life who are still in denial, as I was, about the severity of this person's delusion. Indeed that is the effect this kind of person evokes from you. They can't possibly be this cruel, this malicious, this absolutely immoral and calculating yet simultaneously delusional and insane. Nobody could be that crazy. Even until just recently I often struggled with this, so I can hardly blame anyone, and even now I see the most likely outcome of this expose to be a total destruction of self, given the aforementioned tendency for society to instinctual crush any sign of male weakness. My only hope now rests in my strength and my discipline.

Visions of Atlas even flash to mind, as a man who refuses to bend, carrying the weight of all the world would rather not see, refusing to allow it to crush him to the last breath, and exposing the mold and rot underneath for all to see. That is, at least, my goal. I am by no means approaching this from a defeatist perspective, even as the odds are profoundly stacked against me, both by culture, and by humanities common tendency to avoid, at nearly any cost, looking at the simple truth underlying the corruption of the day.

But that is not the point of this piece. Given the time sensitive nature of the current situation, I've had to modify my warplans a bit, so here is my only point, for now. Time will go on, and whether you believe me or not, the psychosis of this individual and the long term effect it will have on my children will be apparent and forever locked in stone, that is, if any of you even care long enough to observe the long term result, which is not the common habit, nowadays.

I, however, am not willing to wait and let my children rot and be destroyed for the sake of the vanity and delusion of a "good" mother. As I said earlier, and quite sincerely so, I would rather be dead than sit any longer and do nothing. Even if history tells me, quite clearly, the most likely outcome is my own destruction; of everything I've built, everything I've accomplished, my reputation or what's left of it, and even my life itself eventually.

But again, I could care less. I believe I finally understand the disposition of a bygone generation of men: men who would rather bring death by their own hand than to live as a slave; as the Greeks once taught their soldiers. And so it is truly, and if you remember as I've hinted in a previous piece, I have lived as a slave to a power crazy absolutely maniacal psychopath, and system that is equally if not moreso manical and psychotically possessed to keep me trapped in the cycle any time I even came close to escaping it, the depths of which you will likely never see or experience, or at least I hope; this fantastic burden which now rests squarely on my shoulders, is damn near driving me to the edge of my ability to bear it, if it has not already past. I couldn't possibly wish this on anyone, even the enemies as I now see them, which I here face.

However, this is not an admission of defeat. I intend to fight and bitterly so unless and until I am destroyed. I will not stop writing, advocating, making noise, being annoying as hell, until my children are free from this chaos.

To try to give exhaustive details now would be pointless and superflous to the point. You will either take my word now, or you won't. We are dealing with someone who has spent a lifetime covering up the facts, and culture that is hell bent on avoiding them. Some of these facts, though, are still there and provably, and having dealt with this near 15 years, there are certainly enough to strongly make a case in my favor, but not without exhaustive effort which I now do not have the energy or time for, though it may come.

My only point now is this: I know viscerally, and in my blood and bones, that being a slave is far worse than death. Watching your children be slaves to a violent, chaotic and deranged mind is still far worse, even. And failing time and again to free them, being given only the option, maybe, to free myself and abandon them never being acceptable to my character, I've decided I will gladly die on this hill.

I also have no misunderstandings, though many in today's world seem utterly perplexed at the staggering suicide rates of men. I am no doubt sure I am far from alone in this culturally backwards "equality" between men and women to which nobody experiences more profoundly than the married man experiencing a divorce. Ironic then, that this is precisely the perspective which is so often maligned and utterly dismissed.

As suggested throughout by now, I originally intended to utterly destroy, from first principles and with rigorous philosophy & science, the utter foundations of this delusion of our modern time, and I will still continue to do so as I able, already having some writings both public and private toward that end. Again, this is a hill I am more than willing to die on, after everything I've experienced. This is a war, and kidding myself about that hasn't done me any favors.

Resorting to violence however, whether it be justified or not, is perfectly out of taste with the modern culture; many of whom seem almost obsessively happy to clasp on the chains of permanent subserviance in order to simply avoid conflict. Therefore, I felt it was only through philosophy that I could effectively wage war. That by utterly destroying, from every angle: both logically and statistically, the utterly incoherent and incoherently applied delusions festering all over the "enlightened" western world, could I ever hope to undo their effects; even if not in this generation (highly unlikely, at this point).

It is no small task, and it is not my desire, either, to plunge us backwards into an age of suppression or aggression, and so I have proceeded only with the utmost of care, and calculation, trying to be as thorough as possible. To date I only have one foundational piece public on which I intend to build in the future.

However, I have run out of time now. My children are at risk. Even this woman's only family, who is typically complacent or in some denial about the depths of her behavior, is now worried as nobody has seen them for over a week. As I mention [here](https://x.com/nrdexp/status/1938003880341869008) on X, my reluctant suspicions about the depth of our culture and law are once again confirmed by my experience with law enforcement.

This is, by no means, my first brush with the system (remember, two full divorces; and that's just the start), and I by no means expected an enthusiastic or even helpful response. But even I am dumbfounded at the lackadaisical malaise of a response, for two days now, still waiting on an apparently imminent "phone call" to report 4 missing children, one of whom is less than a year old. A situation with a provably deranged (again, diagnosed, if insufficiently in my experience) individual who has even mentioned in the past thoughts of hurting the children to "protect" them from the devil, and which I have reported multiple times to the police for breaking the terms of her probation and psychotically witholding my kids nearly constantly, unless I agree to suffer her, something I am simply no longer willing to do.

There has been no response to any of my pleas, to the cops, her probation officer, the "victims" advocate that never even called me back. These people aren't here to help me. They are here to condemn them utterly. Trust me when I say their demeanor is nowhere near as lethargic when it is the woman making the reports; and therein lies the absolute core of my profound slavery to its inconsistently applied "law".

We are talking about an individual with full blown paranoid skitzophrenia, as best I can tell, and if you want to try and measure it from a psychological lense, but coupled with a covert and malignant narcissism of seemingly the highest order. And absolute and bloodthirsty need to hide from the truth of their delusion, and no observably capaticy for self-reflection or even doubt or shame. Psychology, itself though, has seemed to fail me trying to size up this situation, and it has certainly failed to address it, not that this person is often susceptible to treatment.

The personality that was the most agreeable and ammendable to treatment has long since lost sway over the other more aggressive and warlike ones which now dominate her mind. We are talking about someone who has been obsessed, for years now, with a shadow group or individual, sometimes I am accused of cooperating with, who is supposedly out to "hurt" our children. Forgive me if I didn't feel "safe" leaving my children in this persons custody willingly, for any length of time.

We also have what might even reach a massiah & god complex all wrapped into one, which is utterly incapable of seeing the absolute err in judgement that they repeatedly demonstrated, and which so blatantly, hopefully now obviously, hurts the children. Someone who is a master of guilt and shame, who can make me feel guilty for things I never even did but they did do. Like being unfaithful, as perhaps the canonical example in our relationshiop. However, this guilt has now, at least somewhat, turned to my advantage.

Believe what you want, and I certainly wouldn't blame you if you don't given the modern culture, but trying to be faithful all these years, partially out of delusional hope of change, partially out of deliberate fear that such an act would undoubtably be used to crush me (which ironically didn't give me any such advantage in these utterly "fair" court systems of ours), has given me enough decipline now, partially inspired by a personal friend who was himself an actual monk on a mountain for near 3/4 of a decade, to remain totally celibate.

Unwilling to be manipulated any longer into having sex at a point that now feels like rape. Having all other methods of "release" (to try and be delicate) ruthlessly and endlessly weaponized against me whether I use them or not; and maybe now is a good time to point out that perhaps the greatest strength of her manipulation is absolute mind breaking repition: over and over until your mind goes completely numb and gives in the same phrases are repeated relently, almost like a chant or curse. I realized I can't even be around her, for this reason, as my judgement is compromised nearly totally by this insane dedication to breaking my mind and my will.

 I mean, really though, it's not like I can even explore other options with women right now anyway, or even entertain it, both because this is a time of war, and it is entirely inappropriate, and because such an act would undoubtably be used as perhaps the final nail in my coffin. Still further, were there a person I came across that I actually cared for, I could never imagine asking them to endure this hell which I have been so long stuck. I've come to realize this is perhaps one of the main goals of her endless psychosis: to keep me stuck and isolated, having no viable or tenable path forward with anyone else but her.

In any case, it is unimportant but mentioned here to elucidate, again, that dichotomy of good and evil. The monk like celibate, now fasting several days in the depths of a long battle in a seemingly endless war. Deprived of my kids for months as I now refuse to give her the comfort of my presence which has been so endlessly weaponized to her advantage through reactive abuse that goes to no limits to drive me to the edge of mine and "prove" how much "I am the problem".

My discipline gives me strength and clarity, perhaps enough to pierce the veil which has caused so many men their lives (through the aforementioned suicide rate), or at least that is my intention. Make no mistake, I am warring (philosophically) against this entire corrupt system at this point (as I said, through philosophical analysis and experiential deducation), and will continue to do so unless and until I am forcibly stopped. I will not allow my kids to rot any longer, and now we are at a point that nobody knows where they are, what this unstable person is planning, or what will come of it. Any attempt to communicate is meant only with confusion or bait, not only from me, but even from her own sister, as well as my mother, who are now now both worrying sick.

I pray that they are okay, but given my experience there is no way and hell I can be comfortable or consoled by that assumption.

Again, I fully expect the majority reaction to be suspect at best, or condemnation outright. Again I don't care. I know this person better than any of you ever will, and now, as if a gift from Life itself, I have been given a deeper understanding than ever of myself, outside of their endless framing of my "deficit" in character. I've come to find quite the opposite, that I know possess an exceptional discipline, a piercing perspective which sees through incoherence by shear force and experience. I know where I stand, I have the vantage none of you can see, and that is perhaps the biggest risk, but it can't be helped now. I will not allow my children to be sacrificed on the alter of delusional vanity and subservience to an incoherent ideology or "law" which upholds it.

Burn me if you must. Destroy me if you can; go to any lengths to poke holes, doubt or suspicion in my claims. But know that I have already decided I will not stop... not for my sake: it matters nothing what happens to me. But for my children I have suffered this long while and will continue to suffer til death or victory, and at this point, gladly so. As I finally shake off, forcibly and with no small amount of effort, the rigid, somewhat rusted chains of my slavery, I now step out as a man into the wild chaos (literally and figuratively) and will face whatever fate awaits. But for my children, I will forever war, if I must; though I pray that some sanity remains in society, and that we can, dare I say, overcome?

In the beginning I asked your forgiveness, but truly now I know in my heart I need none.

Viva Rebellion.
