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fix: bring back some passages from the 1st draft

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Timothy DeHerrera
2024-12-25 23:31:09 -07:00
parent 284611e48f
commit e39c0ec20a
1 changed files with 9 additions and 5 deletions
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src/content/blog/in-defense-of-the-disagreeable.md
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@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ Being highly disagreeable isn't my only outlier in the Big 5, but it's become on
I've lived this truth quite literally, having spent the first chapter of my adulthood in complete ignorance of my nature - at best ashamed, at worst trying to be something I simply wasn't. My high openness means I often share things that perhaps I shouldn't. Even now, with greater self-understanding forged through life's trials, doubts and struggles persist. There are always more battles to conquer, more mysteries to unravel. I've lived this truth quite literally, having spent the first chapter of my adulthood in complete ignorance of my nature - at best ashamed, at worst trying to be something I simply wasn't. My high openness means I often share things that perhaps I shouldn't. Even now, with greater self-understanding forged through life's trials, doubts and struggles persist. There are always more battles to conquer, more mysteries to unravel.
It doesn't get easier, but I cannot emphasize enough the vital importance of understanding one's place in it all. Life is hard - mine always has been and likely always will be. Facing such difficulty without self-understanding is unbearable. Even now, with clearer purpose and identity than ever before, it remains challenging. Having high emotional sensitivity (another personality quirk) is yet another aspect of existence I've learned to embrace. It doesn't get easier, but I cannot emphasize enough the vital importance of understanding one's place in it all. Life is hard - mine always has been and likely always will be. Facing such difficulty without self-understanding is unbearable. Even now, with clearer purpose and identity than ever before, it remains challenging. Having high emotional sensitivity (another personality quirk) is yet another aspect of existence I've learned to embrace. The isolation is perhaps the hardest part - living between camps, never fully belonging anywhere, always seeing multiple sides yet unable to fully commit to any one perspective. It's a peculiar kind of loneliness that comes not from lack of connection, but from the perpetual state of partial connection, of always being somewhat out of step with those around you.
In short, I am nothing that I'm "supposed" to be, perpetually evading the boxes others try to contain me in. This isn't by choice or force - though that is a common accusation - it's simply who I am, even when I don't wish to admit it. It's difficult to explain this to someone of a highly agreeable nature, just as I struggle to fully comprehend more agreeable types. This isn't meant as criticism - I truly believe every personality type has its place, and the world would be dimmer without this human variance. In short, I am nothing that I'm "supposed" to be, perpetually evading the boxes others try to contain me in. This isn't by choice or force - though that is a common accusation - it's simply who I am, even when I don't wish to admit it. It's difficult to explain this to someone of a highly agreeable nature, just as I struggle to fully comprehend more agreeable types. This isn't meant as criticism - I truly believe every personality type has its place, and the world would be dimmer without this human variance.
@@ -75,11 +75,15 @@ Yet Christians worldwide, seemingly unable to accept the profound and difficult
I don't self-describe as a Christian for two simple reasons: First, while I believe many of Jesus's teachings in the gospels are true and correct (if you can decipher their meaning, which is no trivial task), I disagree fundamentally with virtually every Christian sect in practice today. Second, I don't currently believe it's tenable to "know" whether God exists in reality. I think the whole business of "knowing for sure" either way is utter folly. Even the book itself teaches this, if you pay close attention - this is why the chief patriarch is named as one who "wrestles with God." One cannot wrestle with a concept they're fully satisfied to be true. I don't self-describe as a Christian for two simple reasons: First, while I believe many of Jesus's teachings in the gospels are true and correct (if you can decipher their meaning, which is no trivial task), I disagree fundamentally with virtually every Christian sect in practice today. Second, I don't currently believe it's tenable to "know" whether God exists in reality. I think the whole business of "knowing for sure" either way is utter folly. Even the book itself teaches this, if you pay close attention - this is why the chief patriarch is named as one who "wrestles with God." One cannot wrestle with a concept they're fully satisfied to be true.
The proper tension in the question of God's existence lies in that uncomfortable space virtually none of us wish to occupy - the simple admission of ignorance: "I don't know." Some days I suspect one way, other days another. This isn't about convincing you of anything, but rather providing candid background as to why I might espouse what are typically taken as Christian ideals while not being a practicing Christian. The proper tension in the question of God's existence lies in that uncomfortable space virtually none of us wish to occupy - the simple admission of ignorance: "I don't know." This perpetual wrestling with uncertainty isn't weakness - it's the natural state of honest truth-seeking. The paradox lies in knowing that the closer you get to truth, the more you understand how much you don't understand. The more certain you become of uncertainty itself.
Is there a God? Some days I'd like to believe so, and some days I certainly hope not, when I consider my inadequacies and myriad mistakes. I don't think belief is as ignorant as most modern atheists would suggest, and I must acknowledge the profound contributions that men of faith have made to science, which many modern "scientific" types are happy to ignore. It's a peculiar burden of the disagreeable truth-seeker: we're compelled to chase truth relentlessly while simultaneously accepting that complete certainty may be forever beyond our reach. We must somehow maintain the passion of the search while embracing the humility of perpetual uncertainty. This isn't relativism - there is only one Truth (big T). But our relationship with it is far more complex than most are willing to admit.
By now, perhaps you can see how isolating my experience of profound disagreeableness truly is. There is no sect I belong to, or even can belong to, whether concerning profound questions like "does God exist" or more mundane matters like "what school of engineering do you subscribe to?" As uncomfortable as it is, I can only feel honest with myself by answering such questions with "it depends." This is something most people in my life simply cannot accept. Take, again, the question of God's existence, for instance. Some days I'd like to believe so, and some days I certainly hope not, usually when I consider my inadequacies and myriad mistakes. Sitll, I don't think belief is as ignorant as most modern atheists would suggest, and I must acknowledge the profound contributions that men of faith have made to science, which many modern "scientific" types are happy to ignore, seemingly to strengthen their own position.
By now, perhaps you can see how isolating my experience of profound disagreeableness truly is. There is no sect I belong to, or even can belong to, whether concerning profound questions like "does God exist" or more mundane matters like "what school of engineering do you subscribe to?" As uncomfortable as it is, I can only feel honest with myself by answering such questions with "it depends." This is something most people in my life simply cannot accept. And if I'm being honest, it's for this reason that I sometimes try to hide this aspect of my nature, placing myself in one camp some days, and another others.
Some might accuse me of being a simple fraud or charlatan, and while that might make things simpler, it isn't quite right either. You see, I have some very real and demonstrable engineering and scientific ability, even without formal credentials. Through a love of reading and just plain raw experience I also have some profound understandings of life, philosophy, religion, and psychology, though I dwell in none of the myriad camps permanently. I certainly don't prescribe my way of being to anyone else - in fact, I would caution against it. If you can imagine for a moment the type of experience I'm describing, you'll understand why it's quite uncomfortable. Yet any and all attempts to run or hide from it fail, sometimes spectacularly so. The conclusion, by now, is quite apparent: Love it or hate it, this is who I really am.
## The Purpose of Dissent ## The Purpose of Dissent
@@ -87,7 +91,7 @@ What's the point of this self-reflective journey? To illustrate the vital import
It wasn't until I came to realize the purpose of being me, and others like me: Someone must occupy this uncomfortable space in between, precisely because the majority of humanity simply will not. This isn't about maintaining perfect centrism - rather, it's about the willingness to lean one direction today, explore another camp tomorrow, and perhaps abandon the whole enterprise entirely in the future. It wasn't until I came to realize the purpose of being me, and others like me: Someone must occupy this uncomfortable space in between, precisely because the majority of humanity simply will not. This isn't about maintaining perfect centrism - rather, it's about the willingness to lean one direction today, explore another camp tomorrow, and perhaps abandon the whole enterprise entirely in the future.
Some might call this wishy-washy or lacking discipline. And yes, there's some truth to that. But then again, I also possess the will to run 20+ miles or completely reimagine software deployment from its foundations, so it's not *just* that. I must give myself some credit where the existing system - one that requires we exist in predetermined boxes - refuses to do so. Some might call this wishy-washy or lacking discipline. And yes, there's some truth to that. But then again, I also possess the will to run 20+ miles or completely reimagine software deployment from its foundations, so it's not _just_ that. I must give myself some credit where the existing system - one that requires we exist in predetermined boxes - refuses to do so.
I don't write this for myself. As a fairly private individual, sharing this is quite unnerving. But I choose to face this discomfort for one simple reason: others like me exist, and they exist for good reason. Judging by my own unlikely journey to self-acceptance, they are likely suffering, confused, perhaps self-loathing, maybe even considering a way out. To them, I simply say: we need you! I don't write this for myself. As a fairly private individual, sharing this is quite unnerving. But I choose to face this discomfort for one simple reason: others like me exist, and they exist for good reason. Judging by my own unlikely journey to self-acceptance, they are likely suffering, confused, perhaps self-loathing, maybe even considering a way out. To them, I simply say: we need you!